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We Are Always Alone

by portrayal of guilt

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1.
Birth, awakening. A life spent suffering. Silence is deafening. The truth is killing me. Your name I’m calling. I must be dreaming. The sky is falling. Hope is dwindling. Will we ever find peace? Don’t drag me along anymore. The road is narrow. This-bliss-sun-sick-said mourning. The moment while counting the dead. I’m sick, sick, sick of it. We fell off the ledge. Heads blown apart, dropped like lead.
2.
Anesthetized 02:59
When will I let go? My pain is numbing in the worst way. Blinded by the light. I let my fear guide me away from you. Away from here. Hopeless and afraid. I’ve reached the bottom. I’ve failed you. I grow weaker by the day. So fragile. Is this bliss or misery? I begin to claw my way out. It’s not hard to see. I’ve failed myself.
3.
As I wander through the bitter cold, my memories return for the last time. I’ve lost myself in solitude. My time is now. Into the grave. My body molds.
4.
A life misled. My body, so still. The stagnant blood surrounds me. I find peace in silence. In a search for a “God”. Another state of being. I search for heaven in the ceiling, but all I’ve found is an endless sea of black. I feel myself letting go. I submit myself to what the world chose for me. My eyes roll back. The terror begins. I follow the light. There’s nothing at the end.
5.
Bathing in agony. Covered in shame. These walls cave in. Only myself to blame. Pill after pill, I prepare myself for the morning ahead. My body folds, writhing in pain. No one is here for me. Bathing in agony. Covered in shame. I listen to the running water. It fills the bathtub slowly. I am trampled by thoughts. Weighed down by memories. I lay my head still, welcoming an infinite sleep. My sacrifice for you. An endless cycle of ache. Still conscious, I am paralyzed. Eyes wide open, staring aimlessly. Water begins to fill the floor. Rising slowly, so poetically. I begin to choke, this is what I crave. I am a masochist, in my blood I bathe. Drowning in my own self-hatred, I can feel my lungs as they begin to fail. Bathing in agony. Covered in shame. This burden of living never seems to end. As I lay my body and take the devil's hand. In this holy water. In this chamber of sin. Born into filth. I die alone.
6.
Bludgeoned to unconsciousness. Broken, not another word. I can barely seem to breathe. They want us all to suffer. Footsteps sound distant in the fog as my cold, pale body drags along the soil. Time seems nonexistent. Seconds feel like hours; days. The rope grows tighter around my hands. Behind my back. Pulling just hard enough to break the skin. We stop near the water. I feel the rope loosen. I lie motionless. The tape is removed from my eyes. From my mouth. To reveal the devil themself.
7.
Your faith can’t save you. Your prayers, they mean nothing. You’ll never know true sorrow. What makes you so different? Rotting away. Decaying in beauty. The pain never ends in the garden of despair. The leaves drip in misery. The skies grow darker, masked with dread. These hands have never looked so pale. Rotting away. Decaying in beauty. The pain never ends. His face, motionless. Eyes open, full of grace. Staring into the void, searching for ecstasy.
8.
The house fills with gasoline, with every memory I’ve ever known. I light the match and realize I am alone. It begins to burn. I step out for a moment and watch the sky. I think about my life and begin to cry. Breathe in. Breathe out. I close my eyes and step inside. I become one with the flames. I’ve never felt so alive. My vision fades away as I watch my skin and bones melt away and turn to ash. This is where I belong. The building crumbles and the smoke fills the air. This is where I belong.
9.
A dark path led by crippled leaves and piles of bones. At the end, a delicate pyre. An unclean, visceral feeling. Tears pour into my hands. Surroundings fade to gray. A gloom you’ll never know. Everyone has left me. At war with myself on the bedroom floor. No angel has come for me. My limbs begin to feel numb. Will you remember me? Lay the candles around me, outlining my body. I begin to feel the earth collapse. What comes next feels aimless. Everything turns white. We are always alone.

credits

released January 29, 2021

Produced, recorded and mixed by Phillip Odom
Mastered by Will Yip
Artwork by Chris Taylor

Electronics and noise by Mack Chami
Additional vocals on “The Second Coming” by Chris Taylor
Additional vocals on “Garden of Despair” by Matt Michel

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